Finding the Meaning of the Pandemic: The Message of the Corona Virus

How can we find meaning or hope when we each are in the midst of major and minor life changes brought on by a pandemic virus — from the loss of a loved one who died from the virus, or the loss of work, or financial losses, etc.? Learning about the pain of other people in countries around the world can give us a sense of perspective, sometimes revealing that our challenges are not quite as complex as others with many levels of suffering. But having compassion is not the same as having empathy for others or ourselves. It is very important in these times to remember what’s really important: to love and be loved, even if we cannot express this love through physical contact or a hug, that says, “I am with you, we are moving through this together, and I care about you.”

You can practice this empathy with loved ones you live with –and certainly this experience IS the gift of the pandemic –finding more ways of caring for family or friends we live with in quarantine. It is equally important to honor our own emotional responses to pandemic stress and share this in a safe and held way in our vulnerability. These are the essential life skills of empathy, which can respond to any emotion, be it panic, shock or despair — all emotions that are appropriate expressions of a collective stress or loss. These are normal reactions many have in response to an epidemic with all its ensuing shocks and changes. These are now a part of our world in an instant where we have the world news of the virus on-line and needing to be held in our hands.

Acknowledging denial or shock is also a part of the initial experience. It sometimes seems easier to deny a problem rather than to face the feelings, only because we don’t have the skills to feel them or the support from another person to really listen. In fact, any emotion can surface in response to loss, and frequently the feelings will come en masse! Expect to feel any or all of the following as you move through life with a pandemic: Shock, panic, denial, numbness, anger, rage, bargaining, fear, depression, survivor’s guilt, shame, acceptance, comfort, empathy, and compassionate action. Moving through these, and not letting yourself get paralyzed by the feelings, is key to finding hope and meaning at the end of the tunnel.

Having the deep experience of personal loss or grief has the benefit of opening our hearts to our friend’s pain and creating a well of empathy, understanding, and then compassion that we never knew we were capable of. These are life skills apparently lacking in our government leaders, all of whom are very skilled in the powers of persuasion and “fixing the problem.” One of the things this pandemic is showing us is that our country and so many others are not fully prepared to deal with an epidemic of this magnitude. We can also see that our leaders are not skilled in the basic life skills of safety, empathy, and compassion for the individual or groups at large. The UBI (Universal Basic Income) of $1200 one-time payment given as support for lost income helps keep the economy going, but it is a mere (trillion dollar) band-aid when you look at the enormous unmet basic needs of so many Americans, including understanding, empathy, and caring.

We Americans have a rare freedom to choose what we believe and to speak out on behalf of others around the world in their suffering. Other countries do not allow this freedom, as we saw in the recent example of the doctor who discovered the virus, tried to alert the government which, in denial, put him in jail where he died of complications from the virus. This doctor was a demonstration of the strength of the human heart to alleviate others in their suffering, but it should be clear to our governments that their job is protection of the people, and none other than this.

When someone you love is “paralyzed” with emotion of stress — from panic, depression, denial, or even anger and rage, or the “easier” emotions of fear, sadness, and anxiety –we now have the time to listen. This act is small and local but it makes a huge difference. In addition to the psychological benefit of listening and “being there” for another person, some might even say that the purpose of these losses IS the practice of “heartfulness”* necessary to awakening to the full meaning and expression of love, in the midst of stress and pain.

Rather than look to the government for reassurance or empathy, we must be the “safe place” for ourselves and our loved ones. Our leaders may not express the empathy or compassion we would hope to hear from a world leader, but we certainly must call for big changes in policy and legislation when it comes to healthcare preparedness. Other U.S. leaders in the past, such as Roosevelt during the Depression or MLK during nationwide racial conflict, were known for their reassurance and compassionate action in times of disaster. However, we can look to those who practice life skills to find a safe place in which to express our vulnerabilities in our own families and communities.

Perhaps the hidden meaning of this Pandemic of 2020 is that of “global unification.” Clearly, many governments are not meeting the needs of their people, but the health care providers and so many other organizations within each country are reaching out to help other countries in their need for a cure for the virus, necessary medical supplies, and basic needs. In the end, it is the heart of humanity that gives us hope in seeing that beyond the denial and brokenness of our governments there is help from the people. Even during these temporary times of isolation and quarantine, we can reach out by phone or in person for the caring we need. It is important both to listen and to be heard and held. Even the smallest gesture in the grocery, showing that we respect each individual’s “safe space,” is so important. But it is equally crucial to smile a caring smile, to express the message “we are all in this together and we are here for each other through this.”

What is clear is that this “unification” is both causing us all to be vulnerable to the virus, but also giving us a choice and power to act. Each of us now has an elevated power due to being at risk. This vulnerability provides us with a new power to act in a way that we never before have acted on a global level. Now is a time to make choices and take actions based in love and caring rather than fear and suffering. No one is exempt from the effects of a mutating virus, but also none of us are alone in this fact. We can no longer go into denial and do nothing, the effects of the virus are at hand, potentially effecting the ability to thrive in each of us.

Here are seven steps to the practice of empathy in times of a quarantine and pandemic:

1. Clear yourself. This is the first step in preparing yourself to be a “safe space” in order to listen. Put aside any thoughts, judgments, and your own good advice so you can be an open “vessel” in which to receive your friend’s loss or grief. (Ask them if this is a good time to share how they are feeling.) Tell them you would like to take some time to just listen. Assure them that you will keep whatever they say private. These are gestures toward trust, essential in deepening empathy.
2. Active Listening. Listen deeply for what their feelings are (usually there will be more than one). Lean forward and look often at their face and eyes. If you get distracted with a thought, ask them to repeat what they said so you can get back to listening.
3. Reflecting back. Once they pause and take a deep breath, repeat back their words to them. “What I hear you are feeling is (example: you have lost a lot with this pandemic and you are afraid, etc._____.” A person with loss or grief often wants you to know what they are feeling and that everyone is feeling something similar in such a pandemic all over the world. Example: “You’re feeling understandably sad and angry about this!” Share what you feel is their deepest pain. For example, you can ask: “Is it the feeling that your life feels out of control or the fear of more losses that is the hardest thing?”
4. Sharing the emotion. Experience inwardly their feeling. You may not have the same exact experience but you can certainly feel their particular emotion. Try to relate to the deepest fear as best you can.
5. Look for facial expressions and body language (if you are with someone in your home vicinity). Does their face and body express a particular feeling? Are they expressing openness or closedness with their arms? Mirror their facial expression with your own, if you think it would help them feel supported.
6. Connect from a distance. Maintain “social distancing” but send a smile or a gesture of caring and love to your loved one or friend. Practice saying the most important words in the world in times of loss or death: “I love you and I am here for you.”
7. Compassionate Action Ask: What can I do to help? Example: What can I do to help with your loss or problem? Consider completing with,“It has been my gift to be with you in your pain.”

Rumi wrote an inspirational poem on the gift of sharing loss or grief and the courage that arises in it –

Birdwings

Your grief for what you’ve lost lifts a mirror

up to where you’re bravely working.

Expecting the worst, you look, and instead,

here’s the joyful face you’ve been wanting to see.

Your hand opens and closes and opens and closes.

If it were always a fist or always stretched open,

you would be paralyzed.

Your deepest presence is in every small

contracting and expanding.

The two as beautifully balanced and coordinated

as birdwings.**

In the end, what we are left with is an experience of listening and empathy that brings us more deeply into connection and love. For the listener, it allows more practice in the challenge of meeting someone we care about in their grief. For those in pain, there is support and encouragement to move through the stages of loss. For both, it is an experience in how grief reminds us of our purpose in living, to come together in caring and find deep meaning in the love that has transformed us through difficult times. As Rumi wrote, “Without this great grieving no one can enter spirit.” Ultimately, it is our task to find our personal message in the meaning of the coronavirus, the call to find its personal meaning of deeper presence in our own life.

*”Heartfulness” is a term from Dr Barry Vissell of The Shared Heart Foundation

**Gratitude to Coleman Barks, editor, The Soul Of Rumi, 2001.